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Rudolph’s nose is improbable

07.12.2013

Welcome to the Santa Does Not Exist series (rerun).

DISCLAIMER: Reading this series may cause permanent alteration to your Santa Claus belief.

Leading up to Christmas, I’ll outline several reasons why Santa does not exist, backed up with statistics and scientific facts.

In case you’re wondering, I’m not anti-Christmas. I love the parts that involve drinking and eating. And I usually enjoy the family stuff too. But Santa Claus? Nup. He doesn’t exist.

How do I know?

BECAUSE RUDOLPH’S NOSE IS IMPROBABLE

The thesis:

Rudolph has an electric light bulb grafted to his nose.

I’m ruling out fairy dust and Santa magic. The glow could be the result of a naturally-occurring biological phenomenon, but the light bulb makes more sense.

The 9 reindeer (8 plus Rudolph) have to tow a combined weight of 500,000 tonnes, which works out to be 55,500 tonnes per reindeer.

Since Rudolph is expending all his energy on hefting a load 280 times his own body weight, his light bulb would require a separate power source…

Batteries may work, but the extreme conditions (i.e. North Pole blizzards and g-force) might call for something a little hardier than a couple of double-A Duracells.

…such as a generator.

And since generators aren’t reliable in sub-zero stratospheric temperatures, or North Pole blizzards, I suppose Rudolph must spend most of his time chilling out in the Bahamas.

To withstand the extreme conditions while delivering Christmas presents, Rudolph’s generator would need to be NASA-grade technology.

Because a clunky diesel engine would add several dozen kilos to the load, which might upset the other reindeer. And, let’s face it, a reindeer punch-up in mid air could be disastrous, especially at supersonic speeds.

The likelihood that NASA is producing custom-made nose-glow technology for a sole reindeer is infinitesimal.

This is why Santa Claus does not exist – Rudolph’s nose is improbable.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. Jess permalink
    27.10.2011 1:36 PM

    Its not often I disagree with you, but I have to say… I am going to have to defend Santa for a bit ;p

    I’ve spoken with my NP contacts and have been able to confirm that Rudolf, in fact, has similar properties to that of a glowworm (in his nose, that is). This explains his bright red glow (he has limited glow sections, therefore colours arent mixed and is only a luminous red). The chemical reaction in Rudolfs nose is very efficient; nearly 100% of the energy input is turned into light.

  2. theasaurusvol82 permalink*
    27.10.2011 3:52 PM

    Thanks for that, Jess. You are most welcome to disagree!

    While it’s likely that Rudolph has a glowworm-type nose, I also think that his body might be under just a little too much strain to cope with nose-glowing as well as lugging 55,500 tonnes of presents. Kind of like when a television explodes when it’s overloaded with electricity (not that I’m suggesting Rudolph’s nose might explode, though I suppose with a light bulb it’s entirely possible). So even if he did have glowworm qualities, he would still need a light bulb.

  3. 27.12.2011 10:53 PM

    Thanks for the warning! Great post, though.

  4. 28.12.2011 9:44 AM

    Cheers, Hook. I’d be interested to know if you observe any reindeer mid-air punch-ups in your half of the hemisphere.

  5. 02.03.2013 1:07 AM

    I don’t even know how I ended up here, but I thought this post was good. I don’t know who you
    are but certainly you’re going to a famous blogger if you are not already ;) Cheers!

    • 02.03.2013 11:39 AM

      Hi, Mercedes.

      I have no ambitions to become a famous blogger, but if I do I’ll be sure to write more posts like this one!

      Thank you for stopping by.

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