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Heavy Suitcase + Nonchalant Businessman = Mutant Couch Potato with an Overstocked Fridge


I love couches. They’re awesome. Whoever invented the couch, with its soft back rests and squidgy cushions, is a genius. Couches are wonderful after a day in the field. Even better after a big night out. But they’re especially fantastic when you’ve injured yourself beyond short-term repair.

Yes. I’ve temporarily sidelined myself (if you could call 6 weeks ‘temporary’). It happened on Saturday night at 7pm, and I wasn’t even drinking. I blame my suitcase and a nonchalant businessman. I’d just collected my bag from the carousel at the airport and was trying to squeeze past Mr Nonchalance, who refused to budge an inch to let me through. One heart-stopping moment later, I was on the ground with an exploding knee. Mr Nonchalance didn’t even glance down. He just stood there, with me at his feet, and continued to watch for his bag. (He was wearing a navy blue pinstriped suit and really nice black shoes. I saw them up close.)

An hour later, I’d stopped shaking thanks to a calm, off-duty paramedic called Joe, a squadron of QANTAS security staff, and a desk clerk with her “secret wog remedy” (i.e. a teaspoon of sugar in a bottle of ice-cold water – I highly recommend this in times of panic and pain).

My well-laid plans of a quiet night on the couch with TV and wine followed by two weeks in the field were thwarted. Now I’ve got one leg twice the size of the other and am dreaming of an Inspector Gadget hat, because doing anything – even getting a glass of water – takes 10 times as long and a mammoth amount of effort.

Being unable to drive, let alone walk down a supermarket aisle, I decided to attempt the Woolworths Online home delivery service. The food arrived, which was very convenient as I was down to my last tin of tuna, but this experience has led me to an interesting new discovery – I have a measurement-accuracy deficiency (MAD). Generally, I work off visual approximations – I look at the snow peas and think, “Yeah, a handful of those’ll do.” Unfortunately, Woolworths Online doesn’t account for MAD customers like myself. As a result, I ended up with an excessive amount of most things, notably a brick of feta cheese, 19 tomatoes, 8 cucumbers and 4kg of potatoes (don’t ask me how that last one happened because I have no idea). I also got 7 bananas, 6 peaches, 3 eggplants and 4 monstrously large sweet potatoes.

So basically for the next fortnight I’m going to be stationed on the couch redrafting my novel, with my incapacitated leg on ice, and eating my weight in vegetables.

Funny how things work out. I’m always looking for more time to write.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. 14.12.2011 12:30 PM

    Oh no! That must’ve been a painful experience! But wait… Maybe Mr. Nonchalant is actually one of the entities or creatures that watch over writers. And he made things happen so you’ll be forced to have more time to write! 😀 Kidding aside… I love this post. It’s funny without even trying. I like the part wherein you started to talk about “MAD.” That’s just too funny! Lol. And all those food stuff you managed to acquire… Well, at least you know you’ll never starve! Good luck with having more time to write and I hope your leg gets healed soon!

  2. 14.12.2011 12:44 PM

    Hi Anna,

    I hadn’t considered Mr N being a writer’s ally. If so, he’s got a painful way of helping people.

    And yeah – I won’t be starving anytime soon. In fact, I’m cooking dinner for friends over the next few days…just so I can get rid of some blasted potatoes!

    Thanks for the well wishes, and thanks for stopping by. Glad you had a laugh.


  3. 20.12.2011 10:33 PM

    Couches DO rock, don’t they?

  4. 21.12.2011 9:25 AM

    Could not agree more, Hook.

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