Rudolph’s nose is improbable
DISCLAIMER: Reading this series may cause permanent alteration to your Santa Claus belief.
Leading up to Christmas, I’ll outline several reasons why Santa does not exist, backed up with statistics and scientific facts.
In case you’re wondering, I’m not anti-Christmas. I love the parts that involve drinking and eating. And I usually enjoy the family stuff too. But Santa Claus? Nup. He doesn’t exist.
How do I know?
BECAUSE RUDOLPH’S NOSE IS IMPROBABLE
Rudolph has an electric light bulb grafted to his nose.
I’m ruling out fairy dust and Santa magic. The glow could be the result of a naturally-occurring biological phenomenon, but the light bulb makes more sense.
The 9 reindeer (8 plus Rudolph) have to tow a combined weight of 500,000 tonnes, which works out to be 55,500 tonnes per reindeer.
Since Rudolph is expending all his energy on hefting a load 280 times his own body weight, his light bulb would require a separate power source…
Batteries may work, but the extreme conditions (i.e. North Pole blizzards and g-force) might call for something a little hardier than a couple of double-A Duracells.
…such as a generator.
And since generators aren’t reliable in sub-zero stratospheric temperatures, or North Pole blizzards, I suppose Rudolph must spend most of his time chilling out in the Bahamas.
To withstand the extreme conditions while delivering Christmas presents, Rudolph’s generator would need to be NASA-grade technology.
Because a clunky diesel engine would add several dozen kilos to the load, which might upset the other reindeer. And, let’s face it, a reindeer punch-up in mid air could be disastrous, especially at supersonic speeds.
The likelihood that NASA is producing custom-made nose-glow technology for a sole reindeer is infinitesimal.
This is why Santa Claus does not exist – Rudolph’s nose is improbable.