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Santa consumes too much

14.12.2013

Welcome to the Santa Does Not Exist series (rerun).

DISCLAIMER: Reading this series may cause permanent alteration to your Santa Claus belief.

Leading up to Christmas, I’ll outline several reasons why Santa does not exist, backed up with statistics and scientific facts.

In case you’re wondering, I’m not anti-Christmas. I love the parts that involve drinking and eating. And I usually enjoy the family stuff too. But Santa Claus? Nup. He doesn’t exist.

How do I know?

BECAUSE HE CONSUMES TOO MUCH

At Christmas, it’s traditional to leave a small amount of food and drink for Santa and his reindeer. Let’s say each household of 2.5 children provides Santa with an average of 100mL of liquid (milk or alcohol) and 100g of food (cake or biscuits).

Then there’s the reindeer to consider, with a dog’s-bowl worth of water (1L) and a carrot stick for each animal (1 whole carrot per household).

While Santa offloads his 500,000 tonnes of gifts, he gains weight in the following areas:

1. Santa drinks 40,000 kilolitres of liquid

(50% milk, 50% alcohol – which raises issues of alcohol poisoning, but we’ll get to that in a later post)

2. Santa eats 40,000 tonnes of cake

3. The reindeer drink 44,500 kilolitres of water each

4. The reindeer eat 44 million carrots each

So…

The total weight gain (Santa + 9 reindeer) is roughly 520,000 tonnes.

This equates to the amount of prawns Tesco exports annually from Thailand.

Santa and his reindeer burn off enough energy to level out the weight of the presents.

(The reindeer pull the sleigh at supersonic speeds, so they will need the calories – and I guess it takes a bit of effort to climb up and down chimneys at lightning speed too).

Despite ditching 500,000 tonnes of presents and remaining active enough to burn off 500,000 tonnes of food and drink between them, Santa and his reindeer still manage to acquire weight over the course of Christmas night – an extra 20,000 tonnes, to be precise.

That’s a wide span gantry crane.

Each.

(Note: those small white things in the picture are semitrailers.)

This is why Santa does not exist – he consumes too much.

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