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Santa’s deadline is too tight

18.12.2013

Welcome to the Santa Does Not Exist series (rerun).

DISCLAIMER: Reading this series may cause permanent alteration to your Santa Claus belief.

Leading up to Christmas, I’ll outline several reasons why Santa does not exist, backed up with statistics and scientific facts.

In case you’re wondering, I’m not anti-Christmas. I love the parts that involve drinking and eating. And I usually enjoy the family stuff too. But Santa Claus? Nup. He doesn’t exist.

How do I know?

BECAUSE HIS DEADLINE IS TOO TIGHT

Traditionally, presents are delivered on Christmas Eve night.

Since magic has already been ruled out as the glowing source for Rudolph’s glowing nose, it must also be ruled out as a present-delivery method.

Considerations:

1. The Earth has a total surface area of 510,072,000 square kilometres.

If there are 1 billion children of Santa-belief age, then the ratio of square kilometres to children is 2:1.

2. Santa has a time frame of 32 hours.

This is assuming he starts at 10pm local time in Tonga (the average time a child of Santa-belief age goes to bed on Christmas Eve) and finishes at 6am local time in Samoa (the average time a child of Santa-belief age wakes up on Christmas Day).

3. In order to cover 510,072,000 square kilometres in 32 hours, the sleigh would need to travel at a speed of 15,939,750 km/h.

(The fastest man-made machine in existence is the New Horizons satellite, which travels at 58,536 km/h.)

 

4. This means that Santa must visit 8,681 children and cover 4,468 square kilometres per second.

 

Santa’s challenge is to:

  • Land on the roof
  • Get down the chimney
  • Deliver the presents
  • Eat the cake
  • Drink the milk/alcoholic beverage
  • Get back up the chimney
  • Feed the reindeer their carrot sticks
  • Give the reindeer a drink
  • Hop into the sleigh
  • Fly to the next house

…all in the space of 0.00276 seconds

This is why Santa does not exist – his deadline is too tight.

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