Christmas is hazardous
DISCLAIMER: Reading this series may cause permanent alteration to your Santa Claus belief.
Leading up to Christmas, I’ll outline several reasons why Santa does not exist, backed up with statistics and scientific facts.
In case you’re wondering, I’m not anti-Christmas. I love the parts that involve drinking and eating. And I usually enjoy the family stuff too. But Santa Claus? Nup. He doesn’t exist.
How do I know?
BECAUSE CHRISTMAS IS HAZARDOUS
Santa faces two significant risk factors at Christmas:
- speed of travel
Risk Factor 1: Speed of travel
Santa must travel at a speed of 15,939,750 km/h. That’s one house visit per 0.00276 seconds.
The velocity acquired after take-off would crush Santa and his reindeer in 4.6 seconds. Shortly after this, the sleigh would burn up like a meteorite entering the Earth’s atmosphere.
In the unlikely chance that Santa and his reindeer do survive take-off, they’d be travelling at 15,939,750 km/h. At this speed, the g-force would strip the reindeer of their antlers and fur, and Santa’s skin would drag 5km behind the sleigh.
If, by some miracle, Santa and the reindeer survived take off and the travel risks, then they would have to contend with…
Risk Factor 2: Overeating/binge-drinking
Santa and his reindeer consume extraordinary quantities of food and alcohol in the space of 32 hours. Drawing on research presented in Peter Smith’s How Much Would You Have To Eat To Rupture Your Stomach?, it is likely that Santa and the reindeer would experience one of the following ailments:
1. If they were on a starvation diet leading up to Christmas Eve, then rapid, excessive carb intake would lead to elevated insulin levels and heart failure.
2. If they ate so much that their stomachs couldn’t hold the food and drink, their stomachs would rupture and the contents would flood their bodies, thus releasing bacteria and causing fatal systemic failure.
3. If they accidentally swallowed some bicarbonate, their stomachs would literally explode.
This is why Santa does not exist – Christmas is hazardous to his health.