Christmas is hazardous
Welcome to the Santa Does Not Exist series (rerun).
DISCLAIMER: Reading this series may cause permanent alteration to your Santa Claus belief.
Leading up to Christmas, I’ll outline several reasons why Santa does not exist, backed up with statistics and scientific facts.
In case you’re wondering, I’m not anti-Christmas. I love the parts that involve drinking and eating. And I usually enjoy the family stuff too. But Santa Claus? Nup. He doesn’t exist.
How do I know?
BECAUSE CHRISTMAS IS HAZARDOUS
Santa faces two significant risk factors at Christmas:
- speed of travel
- overeating/binge-drinking
Risk Factor 1: Speed of travel
Santa must travel at a speed of 15,939,750 km/h. That’s one house visit per 0.00276 seconds.
The velocity acquired after take-off would crush Santa and his reindeer in 4.6 seconds. Shortly after this, the sleigh would burn up like a meteorite entering the Earth’s atmosphere.
In the unlikely chance that Santa and his reindeer do survive take-off, they’d be travelling at 15,939,750 km/h. At this speed, the g-force would strip the reindeer of their antlers and fur, and Santa’s skin would drag 5km behind the sleigh.
If, by some miracle, Santa and the reindeer survived take off and the travel risks, then they would have to contend with…
Risk Factor 2: Overeating/binge-drinking
Santa and his reindeer consume extraordinary quantities of food and alcohol in the space of 32 hours. Drawing on research presented in Peter Smith’s How Much Would You Have To Eat To Rupture Your Stomach?, it is likely that Santa and the reindeer would experience one of the following ailments:
1. If they were on a starvation diet leading up to Christmas Eve, then rapid, excessive carb intake would lead to elevated insulin levels and heart failure.
2. If they ate so much that their stomachs couldn’t hold the food and drink, their stomachs would rupture and the contents would flood their bodies, thus releasing bacteria and causing fatal systemic failure.
3. If they accidentally swallowed some bicarbonate, their stomachs would literally explode.
Santa’s reindeer exploding
This is why Santa does not exist – Christmas is hazardous to his health.
OMG what a downer facts can be!! I was guilty of telling my son I left presents under the tree not Santa. I think he was about 5. I was just tired of every year running up a credit card debt (single parent, not supported by the father or family) and he’d be like “Oh Santa got me just what I wanted” and omg, I did the UNforgivable and said annoyedly, ‘Don’t you know it’s ME that leaves the presents for you darling?’ I actually think I wanted thanks, that’s what I think. It was just terrible of me, completely terrible. And then he went telling his friends Santa isn’t real and they’d be like YES HE IS, but you know, parents tell the truth, and my son’s parent said he’s not. Oh hell, I stuffed up that one.
ANYway back to you!! (sorry). I liked your blog. It’s funny really. And yes all that eating that goes on is just stupid. What an excuse “Have another, why not, it’s Christmas”. Really!
Hi Wordsfallfrommyeyes,
Though I don’t have any children myself, I can understand how your predicament must have been frustrating for you and devastating for your son. I, too, have been guilty of something similar. When I was about 10, my parents gave me and my brother the responsibility of continuing the Easter Bunny tradition for our younger sister. We failed, not because we didn’t try, but because we outdid all previous Easter Bunnies by a mile. Our sister got suspicious and asked the Unavoidable Question. We didn’t lie to her.
All children find out sooner or later that Santa and his mystical relatives aren’t real (although some people believe in him and other magical things well into adulthood, which is disturbing). These days kids seem to be discovering the Facts of Life much sooner than any of my age group did. It’s just a part of growing up.
Thanks for stopping by.
Thea.